Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Still dying that you shit outside
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
