Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
