i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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