hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
