fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
