Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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