and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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