the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
