life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
