I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
