im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
