So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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