There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
