Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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