WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
