Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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