what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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