I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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