I have demons in me.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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