I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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