Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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