so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
