Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
