That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
