I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
