Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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