i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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