My first STD was from a foam party
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
