My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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