it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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