I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
