you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
