If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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