I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
