it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
