quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Two words: blizzard sex
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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