I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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