did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I need to calm my uterus...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
