R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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