and she was petting her beer can
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
