when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
