I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize