His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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