I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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