My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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