see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
