also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
FUCK WHALES
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
