being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
