I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
