Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
