i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
