Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
