I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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