Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
