you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
