i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
