meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
